I am honestly doing really poorly. I feel so uncomfortable with myself. I have a hard time understanding myself in relation to other people. I don’t experience friendships or attachment the way most people describe them. I don’t feel a pull toward others, and I can't bring myself to understand why. It makes me feel like something important didn’t form in me the way it should have.
I just feel so empty & unfulfilled. I'm not really emotional or sad, it's just as if there’s nothing in place where something is supposed to be. I don’t want friends, but I don't want to be the way I am. It’s a miserable position to be in, because I know what I should want, and I don’t. I just am quiet inside.
I dissociate the whole day unless I'm in philosophy class, because I love the topic & my professor. But it is so different from high school. I don't have any teachers to stay behind in class with, I just go home crying when it is unbearable. One girl asked me if I was okay today, and I started crying even harder.
I have been invisible my whole entire life. Everyone has always treated me like a germ, excluded me, used me, laughed at me. It really worked me up when she checked on me. I ended up hugging her, and I couldn't tell you why I chose to do so. Someone that was only in my life for a brief moment has already taken a toll on me. I just don't get it.
What is fun about having friends? What's fun about "hanging out"??? Sure, let's go to a loud & crowded place together, and look at the same things, and talk about nothing that matters. I don't even feel critical, I just feel wrong. I don't ever talk to anyone, I don't respond to anyone who shows interest in me. & what can I do to make up for my absence? Who would want to "hang out" with me? There's nothing rewarding about friendship.
When I try to talk about this, it always finds a way to go wrong. Everybody tends to take it personally, or assume it’s about them, and then I regret saying anything at all and I take it back. My therapist doesn't understand, my mother thinks it's because I'm autistic. I don't feel a desire & struggle to make friends. I feel absolutely nothing there.
My boyfriend has friends. My boyfriend is closer to people I meet than I am. It feels like everyone is leaving me behind, because I am so far behind. People notice that I am hollow inside & they just leave. It is fine. It doesn't really bothr me, but I don't want to feel so disconnected from his social circle. I just feel so hostile all the time. Why does everyone get to have things and I don't? Why don't I want what everyone else wants???
I just want to disappear. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be looked at. I just want to melt into my bed until I can't be separated from it. I wish I could deactivate my accounts everywhere & cut everyone off and just fall off the planet. I want to be alone, and isolated. Why can't anyone relate? I feel like I'm crazy.
I’m writing this because I know there have to be others who feel this same sort of flatness or detachment and don’t know how to put it into words. I wish I felt lonely, but I just feel sick of myself. I feel uncomfortable with the way I am, and I am always striving to be someone else. Lol. The suffering persists but so do I. My only comfort is philosophy. I know I am real because I'm a conscious being. That's the reason why my being hasn't just slipped off this Earth & into nothingness yet. I wish I could have kept seeing my psychiatrist
This probably looks really funny with an anime girl right next to it hahaha oh I just realized that. hahaha
Update as of 10:27 PM: I deleted all my social accounts. I feel the same. Someone take me out of my misery
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I am officially 19 as of this week! It feels so strange. Time has gone by so quickly since I turned 16. I don't know why I remember that birthday so well, but I do... That was one of the worst years of my life, so it's bittersweet to look back, I suppose...
My boyfriend and I spent all day together. I went out to Target a few hours ago to buy some things for an upcoming party I am throwing for him (a secret party), and I got him 4 LPS blind boxes. I want the Scottish Fold so badly. 
I am just very awkward and neutral... Not very dull, but not very interesting.... I would like to revamp it. I think I will keep this current index, but on a different archived page. Or literally just archive it.
). I have been very reluctant to be so personal on here, buuuut... I do want to be completely anonymous, so why not be unfiltered? I'm not sure. I do want to attract acquaintances with similar experiences, though. I think that'd be nice. Maybe I'd feel more encouraged if someone related to me. So maybe by doing that, I could be taking the first step? Maybe someone will relate to me. Who knows. I feel very dull lately... but it's a comfortable feeling. I am contempt. I'd like to share that.
My update for the day is that I went to a comic store & a costume store. I got a new Star Wars shirt, a tin pencil case, and a small pin of Oshikiri Tōru. I'll upload pictures of said shirt when I actually wear it somewhere. Neeevermind. Here it is! 